It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.