my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. ππ so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak π₯°π
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If you attempt to rob a bank you wonβt have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Womenβs version: Body Soap
Menβs: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Ladies, if heβs never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHeβs not your man, heβs tacos
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I donβt know. Go wash them.
4: Donβt you want to taste them first?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it wonβt be noticeably different from last yearβs and weβll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
A foghorn but for people who canβt see through their own bullshit.
fake deep people on this website will post like βdo not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding youβ because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
β€οΈπ¦
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: [my mouth full] I didnβt know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we donβt