[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.