If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
this is me
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in