364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
You Might Also Like
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.