I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Ah..makes sense now
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.