there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm