To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Important
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen