Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
How is it still this week?
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS