The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
You Might Also Like
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Well, that should do it