Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
In space, no one can hear…
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.