Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?