I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.