my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
October already? What’s next? November????
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now