one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.