Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Me when someone tries to get to know me
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Heroic Misunderstanding
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*