My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
sugar glider wrangler
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime