My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd