[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
ok like just. call me at this point
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
i installed a ceiling fan in my room