Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
how to market bottled water to dads
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved