her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”