Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
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Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Perfect
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.