Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
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Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.