A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
this is funnier than any friends episode
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”