I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.