TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
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The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES