Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
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Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them