Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
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*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend