Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Blew my mind.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Denise please return my vape pen
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.