Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.