[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other