Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
my first dose meeting my second
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby