I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.