I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
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went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
bugs when you lift up a rock
The opposite of Iceland is water water
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned