God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Google assistant rules
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.