my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.