Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Always the camel, never the toe.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.