I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.