Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
More like Kate Missington.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”