You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I have no passwords left in me
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
This was my dad’s browser history.
That de-escalated quickly
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*