[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Bringing home a sharpie
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Don’t talk down to me
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.