“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
This pepper has seen some shit
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me