What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
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A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.