I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job