everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.