My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
You Might Also Like
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.