Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
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I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”