If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
You Might Also Like
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”