13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
You Might Also Like
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know