I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
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You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My therapist after every session
No, I don’t think I will.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.